question after question under the light of august's hot fading sun
and he continues to lie.
stuck at an impasse, I can either [[tell him to leave]]
or [[let him make up his own mind]] about it.
<div id="center">Either way, I'm wrong.<div>
You realize no matter how many times you say it
or how insistent and clear you are,
he will never hear you.
<div id="right">
Your mouth bleeds
and your keys are in your hand,
so you might as well just [[drive him home]]. <div>
<div id="right">Belly-sick spitting on the ground drunk with love
and something [[darker]] that you can't
quite pin down.<div>
<div id="left">He sways, says nothing, his defiant gaze
pierces your eye, slow and excruciating,
sharpened to a needlepoint
diving further inside your skull
and expanding its brutal circumference
until the pressure is too much
and you just beg your head to [[burst]]. <div>
<div id="right">
Skin melted to plasticine seat
stench wafting from dirty bodies,
mud cracking with every articulation,
the heft of the air between you.<div>
<div id="left">It's wet.
You can feel his eyes.<div>
<div id="right">Yours on the meandering road,
not fully [[paying attention]]<div>
<div id="left">because you know this drive so well
and you're trying to ignore his [[silent ask]].<div>
Every question you ask will be met with a stare
almost blank but [[still]] registering
the words you say without reaction.The farmland passes you by in blurs
little by little growing taller
as you drive, rising up well above
the height of your car
a wave overcoming everything around you
until soon, you find
<div id="right">yourself in a tunnel and the
corn has grown tall and thick
to black out the lingering sun.
You reach to turn your brights on,
fiddle with the switch for a
brief moment that now stretches
itself out in your mind as an
eternity, and when you finally<div>
<div id="center"> flick on the light,
there he is, standing
in the middle of the [[road]]
staring holes through you.
<div id="right">becomes violent beg grabbing at exposed thigh
clawing it raw and screaming red
as you do nothing to [[stop]] it. <div>
<div id="left">The [[questions]] continue to fall out of his brow like sweat
and he doesn't make a sound.<div>
<div id="right">
and the tightness in your head
will only grow and never change
wish throbbing on your tongue<div>
<div id="left">spittle slipping out to catch
the perpetual golden hour
refracted light fallen softly
on his face swaying with
the hands of the clock
trying its hardest to move<div>
<div id="center"><div id="shudder">
[[tick tick tick tick tick]]<div><div>
<div id="right">Roll up to the crosswalk and stop
letting a passerby go through
as they give a little nod as if
to acknowledge your consideration,
but not to give it back.<div>
<div id="left">When all you need is someone to see
and have all of the answers
you're looking for in an instant
and be willing to share them with you
right then and there so you
can just stop guessing.<div>
<div id="center">But this passerby is no longer looking
his instant has ended and
he will move on with his day
and the eyes next to you have
already returned to your face
to [[sear]]. <div>
<div id="right">
Even in relative darkness,
the outside's verdant green
beckons and welcomes you in
like an old friend's warm hug
embrace away from the [[inside]] of this car
as it pulses black and red and purple
<div>
Parked car and the
fogged window from steam
of pinned wrist to seat
<div id="right">staring straight ahead,
his eyes daring you to move.<div>
<div id="center">When you reach across
his body and open the door for him.
He will pretend not to notice.
The next move is for you to decide.
All you want is [[tomorrow]].
<div id="right">
And it all slows to a halt.
The sun has stopped shining.
Only the memory of its glow
illuminates you both
standing in the void
neither night nor day
just [[frozen]].
<div id="left">
The thought comes to your mind:
Is this forever?
Are we stuck waiting for a response
from the other?
Some decision to be made
by God or whomever else
as the pressure in your head builds<div>
<div id="center">[[pushes]]<div>
<div id="right">deeper inside until it
passes completely through you
vicious appendage
searching for a new host.
<div id="center">There is nothing you can do.
No time to swerve around him,
your foot freezes above the brake,
you push it down,
stuck in motion, soon
to live out some [[certainty]]
decided just a few moments ago.
At blazing speed you slam directly into him
and the car crumples limp in a heap
of metal and gore.
Sticky snot spit dribbling
on gear shift shoved into
mangled loin exposed
muscle, pus, blood,
shattered glass, bent plastic, mutilated aluminum.
<div id="right">Your [[cyborg dream]] fulfilled. <div>
The twitching hand
trying so hard to move on
mocks you.
<div id="right">It will eventually let you see [[tomorrow]]
but it needs to see the next moment first,
and your will and prayers are not yet strong enough.
<div id="right">[[Tomorrow|tomorrow]], you will wake up,
you will have new limbs.
You will move and jump and
laugh like you always have,
just more strained now and
somehow you will be already used to it.
Like it's been this way before,
like it was always supposed
to be like this. Your new
metal framing acts as simply
a matrix for your old body,
stretched out and splayed,
some oddball canvas of
see-through skin and sinews.<div>
<div id="outline">
(if: $lay < 1)[[[Eyes open on the first day of a new forever|eyes open]]](if: $lay > 0)[[[Eyes open on the second day of a new forever|day 2]]].
<div id="right">(if:$not < 1)[[[He is not here anymore|not here]].
[[If you listen to what other people insinuate
he was never here in the first place|never]]].
<div id="left">(if: $religion < 1)[[[Feels like religion|religion]]].
[[And not like meeting a god for the first time
or making some eternally binding pact|pact]].
[[But maybe it is like that|maybe]].
<div id="outline">(set:$tomorrow to $tomorrow +1)(if:$tomorrow > 3)[You can't ever know.
Forwards or back, it doesn't matter.
It's happen(ed/ing/stance/etc.).
Absorption. Dilution. [[Sink into the floor|void]]]<div>
You can feel it scalding the right side of your face,
singeing off hair and burning dead skin, the smell
sticks to your brain, adheres itself to the biological
reaction you have to its scent.
<div id="right">[[You will wake up|tomorrow]], it will be the only
thing you remember about last night.
At least that's what you'll tell yourself.
There is one thought in your head:
<div id="center">[[ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD|tomorrow]] [[ONWARD]] [[ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD ONWARD|tomorrow]]<div>
<div id="right">When you finally close your eyes
it will feel as though you have
broken free. You have not.<div>
<div id="left">You have instead discovered
a place inside yourself that
didn't before exist.
<div id="right">It might be contentment.
You have all the time in the world
to figure it [[out|tomorrow]].
<div id="right">
[[new body dew drips down
salt sting in the eye
breathe in morning stink|1.1]]<div>
<div id="outline">
nobody ever says it directly to your face.
but you feel it like [[claws]]
in your back<div>
(set: $never to $never + 1)(set: $pact to $pact + 1)
You signed a contract to go down this path
and so then you become retroactively responsible
for everything that happens [[here]]. (set:$not to $not + 1)
<div id="outline"><div id="right">yet you will keep searching
even though you tell yourself you've forgotten
about the whole thing
even though tomorrow has come and gone
even though around each corner you turn
in the house and on the street
and in the train station
is pregnant with horrific [[potential]]<div><div>(set: $religion to $religion + 1)
<div id="right">like [[something|rel]] you need to [[repeat|repetition]] to yourself
and wean your children on
sideways searches and sweaty palms<div>
<div id="left">half-formed sentences,
nervous [[glances]] over the shoulder(set:$maybe to $maybe + 1)
<div id="right">and [[maybe|maybe 3]] everyone else is right
and [[maybe|maybe 2]] you can't decide
choose uncertain language and gentler dreams.(set: $lay to $lay + 1)
exhale poison
and lie there for a moment.
let the numbness consume you:
no love, no pain
noise becomes white
in [[monastic]] stillness.
say a [[prayer|repetition]]
or don't
<div id="right"> where [[movement|tomorrow]] creates
potential to suffer<div>
<div id="outline">like a spear suspended
high above the ground
and gravity's pull yearning
for it to come down
hard on your body
<div id="right">
harder on your mind
is the [[wonder]]:
<div id="rumble">if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where? if not here, then where?
<div id="outline"><div id="right">the where behind you and blade above
you seek comfort in [[repetition]]--
<div id="left">head between your own knees
a prayer or plead for [[release|void]]
<div id="right"><div id="outline">laceration illustration concept
art about some brilliant mis-
([[-take]], [[-understanding]], [[-remembering]], [[-givings]])
<div id= "right">(if: $never > 1)[keep [[asking|repetition]] the same questions
to try to find different answers]<div><div id="outline">
"Even the best of us make them.
Find forgiveness in your heart.
Or at least [[forgetfulness|tomorrow]]."
<div id="outline"><div id="right">
"Calm down[[.|tomorrow]]"<div id="outline">
"are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" [["are you sure?"|tomorrow]] "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" "are you sure?" (if: $never is > 1)[[are you sure?"|repetition]]<div id="outline">
"That <div id="rumble"> [[sounds]]--(set:$lay to $lay + 1)
[[you think you know what this is.|2.1]]
<div id="center">[[staring at the ceiling until you become clean|clean]]<div>
<div id="right">while reality rots your body to nothing
while you become the poison
while any attempts to eradicate it feels like [[another|tomorrow]] death of self.
[[back]]<div>
<div id="outline">you can't go back now
it's too late.
you've seen your mistakes,
but already made them.
you've made your bed.
[[now]], lie in it.<div><div id="outline">
<div id="right"> (if: $pact > 0)[Another day passes.]
The third day passes.
The fourth day passes.
The fifth day passes.
The sixth day passes.
[[SABBATH]].
<div id="outline">
Enjoy another day of rest.
Convince yourself that you deserve it,
that you are divine, too.
Wallow in it,
sit in it,
spit in it,
shit in it,
<div id="right">clamor for control where you can.
Know that you can [[stop|void]] the days from passing.
That's probably too morbid.
(goto-url: "https://welcometotheamalgam.glitch.me/index.html")
<div id="outline"><div id="right">terrible awful tragic sad
like it would have been hard
like it would hurt
like like [[like|tomorrow]] like"
To see what, [[exactly]]?
<div id="right">the thing you don't [[want|tomorrow]] to see.
everything that sits in the [[back]] of your brain
that pools there and sloshes around
when you snap your neck trying to [[witness]] the horror.
and repetition is comfortable.
you can see the points of pivot
where you went wrong or right or otherwise
and you become [[curious]] about that other branch
but only mildly<div id="right">
regret isn't the word for it,
just the knowledge that
maybe there's a reality in which things are different<div>
<div id="left">it's bitter.
Your head gets heavy with all that liquid in it,
harder to turn and look back like you once did.
You end up wishing so hard that there was always a plan
that you end up believing it against all odds or logic or
whatever else governs the universe.
Pick one. Make enemies of the [[rest|void]].
<div id="right"> but that's exactly what you don't want this to be.
the necessity of time to weigh the options,
to hold them in our hands and feel the heft
or lift with the knees and not the [[back]]
<div id="left">to preserve the body in
holy matrimony with itself.
to make sure you live a long and healthy life
so that you may serve forever to [[fulfill|tomorrow]] the [[agreement]].
it is a promise of certainty and ultimatum
that intrinsically cannot be certain or ultimate.
it makes sense that this is where you go
[[when]] the contents are turned upside down and poured out
onto the floor
<div id="right">you will eventually find the courage:
vulnerability showing like soft pink skin
of gnawed nail beds from nervous [[ticks|repetition]].<div>
<div id="left">you [[reveal]] it like a secret in
hushed tones late at night
no eye contact and sweaty palms
long pauses clenched jaw
wobbling chin and some level of shame.
When doubt becomes who you are,
not even [[religion|back]] can save you.
Your sad life drags on according to the [[beats]].
tell your secret to an old man on a park bench
count birds as they fly overhead
count rats as they scurry underfoot
stuff hands in pockets and [[wander]] in cemeteries
travel to different towns to try the coffee there
[[realize|knowledge]] they are all the [[same|tomorrow]].
<div id="center">There are no lessons to be learned.
Knowledge is power and power is death.
You become stuck in the middle of the motion.
Find out anything you need to know [[later]].
<div id="center">The [[rhythms|repetition]] you discover have to have started from somewhere
but to wonder is to make [[discoveries|knowledge]]<div>
<div id="left">that you might naturally know
about the source
and the beginning
of your [[new|tomorrow]] life
is ruined.<div>
<div id="right"> There is no way [[out]].
you can dig and dig and dig,
break a shovel and find a new one,
make a friend and rip their arms off
grind your hands to bloody stumps
embrace your body's breakdown
find out what's under your skin
and still never reverse the curse.
<div id="right">that's all you want anyway.
[[that's all i want too|void]].
you are met with warmth
candle glow soft wrapping your body
in kind words and affirmation.
<div id="right">this will [[last]] a moment.<div>
<div id="right">until the candle burns out.
left with a pool of wax dried quickly
by your needs. no excuse given as
one day it's burning and the next
it's not.<div>
<div id="left">in some time and through other voices
you'll hear it:
"it's just so exhausting to be [[around|void]] someone
who's so sad all the time."
You want so badly to not have to face tragedy again
that you can't bring yourself to leave the house.
You let the [[dirt|out]] pile up on top of you.
You embrace it.
It is you.
<div id="right">and you fall asleep on a couch
in a city you don't know,
awoken by the smell of gin-breath and vomit
and the sound of a smile so familiar
that you can't open your eyes to [[admit]] it.
you know he's there because you can feel him
he is not touching you and you can feel him
you'll find his hat later and you can feel him
you [[move|out]] house again and you can feel him
you stir in the night for eight months straight
because you can feel him
it could be days that pass
or weeks or months or years
<div id="center">it's probably hours that pass<div>
<div id= "right">stepping down on to damp train platform
a busy blue line stop downtown
he stands at the kiosk unmistakable
changed none from the last time
smiling gently and forced
so [[disarming]]<div>
like no time has passed
paranoia confirmation
less a ghost
more a shadow
cast in the [[wrong|void]] direction
clamor to keep
the head [[above]] water
swallowing doubt
spit up circumstance
<div id="right">falling water filling
up and [[up|above]]
closer to god
shake hands
ask [[why|void]]<div>
wet fingers grip crude
mud slipping between
imperfect [[body]]
of metal bone flesh
stretched skin stabbed
through by questions
as answers seep out
in hurried sutures
for deep wounds
<div id="right">
intent to leave
behind all
(in)securities<div>
<div id="left">eat a million pills
and float on air
sink in water
no time to consider a [[decision]]
to never touch solid ground<div>
<div id="right">
find yourself face to face
with weight
something actually
mattering [[beyond]] self
caring for its own gravity
like dragging your
own lifeless corpse
to reason's edge
and you never really knew<div>
close your eyes
or open them
youll see the same
red either way
passage through the limen
into soft hands below
veiled in trust
and the words you need to hear
to take a step toward the horizon
[[and it takes a step away from you|void]].